Something in my heart says this isn’t right
Causing me to worry day and night
You say that you love me
This I have heard
Don’t you know that actions speak louder than words
Second class, don’t give me no second class love
No Second Class by Buju Banton featuring Carol Gonzales, 1992
Trying to reintroduce meal planning to my life since I’ve fallen into the black hole of gluten and no sleep. Hopefully this will also help me save money because I cannot keep eating $9 sushi from Dean & Deluca.
Friday, Aug 08
B/ Kale and eggs
L/ Grilled chicken and parsnips
Saturday, Aug 09
N/A in Philly
Sunday / Aug 10
N/A in Jackson
Monday, Aug 11
B/ Avocado and eggs
L/ Tuna patty and roasted artichoke
Tuesday, Aug 12
B/ Baked Banana
L / Pork chop and broccoli
Wednesday, Aug 13
B/ Avocado and eggs
L/ Chicken stir fry
Thursday, Aug 14
B/ Kale and something
L/ Tuna patty and asparagus
Friday, Aug 15
Saturday, Aug 16
No dinners since I’ll be working most nights, so I guess my lunches will be dinners. Zzz.
Photo by Jay Jung!
In a few days I will be at a ridiculous age. I say ridiculous because in comparison to those in my life, I’m lagging hardcore. Without a husband, without a family, without a career, without a house. And while most women would say, “I chose to live this way” — I didn’t.
If we met 10 years ago and you asked me where I’d be in 2014, I probably would’ve replied to you… “Married to the love of my life, mother to three amazing kids, homeowner, with an amazing career.” And not that I no longer want those things but those things are just not options in my life.
It’s been slowly knocking me on the side of my head, how all the expectations I was taught to have and had actually grown to have were all shit that no one has control over. Maybe in another life, I would’ve been married, a mom, a homeowner, and a working girl. But this life is what I have now and I’m so done with how my old mind used to think.
Everything that I’ve grown accustomed to, everything that I’ve thunk, everything that I was a part of my routine… I’m done.
While everyone else is getting married, saving up money for engagement rings and houses, or having kids — I’m here. Still drinking and living my life to the best of my ability, working with what I can attain, and hoping to achieve more without a companion to back me up.
Not saying that others do not achieve what they want, doing all those other things… but they have a partner in crime and that is a blessed thing. Just not for everyone.
So it’s okay if I can’t relate because your kids are growing up and coming into their own. It’s okay if I can’t relate to how much you hate your job, because I am struggling at taking a major pay cut on income due to the choices I’ve made in a bout of desperation for money. It’s okay if I can’t relate to becoming pregnant or marital issues or even struggling to pay the bills on two incomes. It’s okay that the original path I was on, directed me to nothing but debt. Lesson learned.
No regrets but one. But today, I feel I’ll even have to let that one go because it’s irreplaceable and may never happen again.
Act with no expectation. Give me people with mouths meant for smiles. And thoughts that make me strive to be better at things. Give me refreshing conversations with other people that are creative and have just as many issues as me. Give me experiences surrounded by positive people who remind me not to be so down on myself and where I am in my life.
Get me off of that whole “gotta find a man to marry and take care of me” mindset because if the past years have taught me anything, it’s that I am really… and interestingly enough, FOR NO ONE. I crave things that can’t be given, I am impulsive but need detailed plans, I create chaos even though I hate it, and why yes, I would love another drink.
Expectations lead to disappointments. And the norm is to be expected, which in turn… is a huge let down. Especially since the days are growing shorter and life is still moving on.
I like me right now. I like trying not to have expectations. It’s easier to have no expectations with people that are new to me. I like having a part time job, that requires me to spend more than I make. I may not like it for long, but I like it now. I like drinking. I love wine. I like smoking. I like New York City. I like waking up in the morning and wondering what I’ll do today. I like that others can make assumptions on what they see and are completely wrong. I like that today, I don’t really give a fuck. And I like that I know I’m doing my best and that’s all that matters.