Photo by Jay Jung!
In a few days I will be at a ridiculous age. I say ridiculous because in comparison to those in my life, I’m lagging hardcore. Without a husband, without a family, without a career, without a house. And while most women would say, “I chose to live this way” — I didn’t.
If we met 10 years ago and you asked me where I’d be in 2014, I probably would’ve replied to you… “Married to the love of my life, mother to three amazing kids, homeowner, with an amazing career.” And not that I no longer want those things but those things are just not options in my life.
It’s been slowly knocking me on the side of my head, how all the expectations I was taught to have and had actually grown to have were all shit that no one has control over. Maybe in another life, I would’ve been married, a mom, a homeowner, and a working girl. But this life is what I have now and I’m so done with how my old mind used to think.
Everything that I’ve grown accustomed to, everything that I’ve thunk, everything that I was a part of my routine… I’m done.
While everyone else is getting married, saving up money for engagement rings and houses, or having kids — I’m here. Still drinking and living my life to the best of my ability, working with what I can attain, and hoping to achieve more without a companion to back me up.
Not saying that others do not achieve what they want, doing all those other things… but they have a partner in crime and that is a blessed thing. Just not for everyone.
So it’s okay if I can’t relate because your kids are growing up and coming into their own. It’s okay if I can’t relate to how much you hate your job, because I am struggling at taking a major pay cut on income due to the choices I’ve made in a bout of desperation for money. It’s okay if I can’t relate to becoming pregnant or marital issues or even struggling to pay the bills on two incomes. It’s okay that the original path I was on, directed me to nothing but debt. Lesson learned.
No regrets but one. But today, I feel I’ll even have to let that one go because it’s irreplaceable and may never happen again.
Act with no expectation. Give me people with mouths meant for smiles. And thoughts that make me strive to be better at things. Give me refreshing conversations with other people that are creative and have just as many issues as me. Give me experiences surrounded by positive people who remind me not to be so down on myself and where I am in my life.
Get me off of that whole “gotta find a man to marry and take care of me” mindset because if the past years have taught me anything, it’s that I am really… and interestingly enough, FOR NO ONE. I crave things that can’t be given, I am impulsive but need detailed plans, I create chaos even though I hate it, and why yes, I would love another drink.
Expectations lead to disappointments. And the norm is to be expected, which in turn… is a huge let down. Especially since the days are growing shorter and life is still moving on.
I like me right now. I like trying not to have expectations. It’s easier to have no expectations with people that are new to me. I like having a part time job, that requires me to spend more than I make. I may not like it for long, but I like it now. I like drinking. I love wine. I like smoking. I like New York City. I like waking up in the morning and wondering what I’ll do today. I like that others can make assumptions on what they see and are completely wrong. I like that today, I don’t really give a fuck. And I like that I know I’m doing my best and that’s all that matters.
This song on repeat. With my feet in a pool, sipping on a drink, breeze in my hair, and having no cares in the world. That would be awesome.
When you were young
What did you fantasize your life would bring?
Don’t wait for it to come,
You gotta stand up and do your thing
Rent Money by Dent May, 2012
Views like this always make me wonder what the hell goes on up there. And think about the universe. And planets. And clouds. And other people’s agendas or lack thereof. And deep shit.
The Blanc de blancs rockin to the beat.
Eileen and Chip’s new fishy, romper try on, and Mitsuwa who doesn’t eat flies.
Dinner at Red Rooster in Harlem around 1AM so we could visit Unkle Chip. We shared the chicken and waffles and the wings. Two gin and tonics please.