After having just celebrated the life of someone who’s time on Earth was cut short due to a tragic accident, it really angers and pains me to see that no matter what, people just really don’t pay attention to you til you’re six feet under. Sorry, I say this with respect in my heart to all I’ve lost over my lifetime — but death always reminds me that we can always do better for each other because our time together doesn’t really last long.
I’ve been trying to stay constant with a handful of friends, but I find it difficult when they ignore what I say, don’t return my text/email, say mean things for no reason, and just simply do not put the effort to be constant with me. Is this what people are made of now? Or have I just become a seriously sour woman?
I’d like to think it’s not me, though I will gladly share the blame if any opposite party were to do the same. Communication is a two way street. And it seems some people only have the time to pay attention to those that help the bills, those they see more often than others, and those they are in love with. Even some families see this lack of “constant” that I’ve been trying so hard to have with some people. Lord knows I come from a somewhat broken family, a lifetime of inconsistent family-ness that I never had– I don’t think I’ve ever literally felt like my family was a ‘family’ since I was 6 or 7 years old.
I recently spoke to someone who said they were jealous of another’s family because they seemed so tight-knit and were always around each other. There was no one other than me that could understand that, I live in a house that I’ve been dying to move out of because my parents don’t even sleep in the same room, nor do they even talk to each other. My first cousins live two hours away and I see them sporadically, with lots of sprinklings of “oh we’ll see each other soon,” “let’s do this more often,” “I’ll text you tomorrow.”
One of my friends randomly texted me that he was at a job interview this passed Monday evening. I bid him good luck and said good night. The following day he tells me he was shot. I mean — WHAT THE FUCK?! He’s alive, lucky to see another day but it could’ve been so much worse?! And it makes me sad that he said, “You seem to be the only person who cares.” Why wouldn’t I care? Why wouldn’t anyone else care? I’d rather him be grazed by a bullet, than in a hospital bed fighting for his life, or worse… Shouldn’t his other friends feel the same as me? Shouldn’t they also be telling him they are praying for him and wishing him well? Rather than acting like “whatever”.
I want to be more to someone, I want to be good to my parents while they are still alive. I want to really feel like I have friends that I can count on. But how can I be more to someone if they never give me the chance to be more to them? How can I be good to my parents, when they aren’t even good to each other? How can I feel like I have friends that I can count on, when they don’t even respond to my text or listen to my opinions without hearing it as a complaint?
Ah whatever. Change comes where it is welcome. Somethings will always stay just the way they are because others are fine with it being that way.
I will continue to try to be a constant to others, even if they don’t feel the urge to do the same to me. I can only be ok
I opened up my calendar this morning and was reminded of what happened 5 years ago today.
I randomly was checking Instagram during a bored moment at work and saw that a few of your friends were meeting up for drinks. I reached out and asked if I could join.
Got there and was taken aback by the love. The love of these people who probably hadn’t seen me since before you were taken from us. Got there and was reunited with someone who I thought I’d honestly never see ever again in my life.
It saddens me that death has this way of making you realize that you take your friends for granted. You take your family for granted. You live every day dreading one tiny portion of your life, or just simply have a bad day and all is wrong, when really you should be thankful for another day to be alive and contemplate where your story is going.
I hate when these thoughts come to my mind because it’s always associated with the fact that I forget that at any moment, I can lose anyone that at one point or another meant something to me, did something for me, shared something with my family, etc. and maybe I should’ve really meant “Yea we WILL meet for drinks” or “We ARE going to have dinner,” instead of being guilty of spitting empty promises just to sound polite.
Hang out with your friends. Have a quality conversation once in a while. Listen to different opinions. Have a fuckin random day out to just shoot the shit. Expose your friends to new things. Do all these things while you can with those you love.
So here’s how this went.
We planned a dinner to celebrate my new job. And by we, I mean Hazel and I. Now when we plan shit, we cancel on each other for days, weeks, even months.
But luckily, we only one cancellation this time around and she finally introduced me to The Boil! Mind you, this may have been our third time trying to go. Third time is a charm, I guess.
2 lbs of shrimp. 2 lbs of snow crab legs. Both in mild special sauce. With side of garlic bread and sausage.
Best meal ever.
This is really just a test post from my phone, but I made curry flavored popcorn last night and it was the shit.
I’m going to try to stay in tune with my non-blogging. I’ve become so unbelievably busy and lazy that I don’t even have the time to talk about things I want to talk about, which was exactly WHY I began this blog. I think.
Let’s make a promise FNO. I’ll try to blog on you and you just be good to me. Maybe I’ll even blog off my phone. Oh snap!
In the meantime, forgive me as I back-blog.
Tous les garçons et les filles. I had been eyeing these bracelets at Madewell for the longest. Finally got them!
These leather bracelets were on sale at Madewell, and my friend did me a favor and monogrammed them for me. I think these will be my statement arm candy pieces for life.